I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
You Might Also Like
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.
If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Breakfast: “Coffee, please.”
Lunch: “Just grilled chicken over a small salad.”
Dinner: “I’ll take a wheelbarrow full of lasagna and enough chocolate to kill a horse.”
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
don’t do it sharon, it’s a trap
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
I have passed 4 levels of the interview process for a new job, and the final step is a personality assessment, so that’s unfortunate.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.
Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.