Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?

Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*

Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”

7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”

Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”

7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”

I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.

Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?

like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)

“Huh?” – Wonder Woman

[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]

Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs

[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*

Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’

Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.

[In car, headed to store]

7: What’s wrong, Mommy?

Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.

[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]

Me: *scratches*

7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?

co-worker: hey-

me: what is it I’m very busy

co-worker: your bluetooth is connected to the breakroom tv

[we keep eye contact as I try to pause shrek 2 but accidentally just turn up the volume]

Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today

Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee

Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes

Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place

Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.

Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit

HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do

Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.

Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week

Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.

I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.

You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

“WyD oN HallOwEeN?”

workin bro its a thursday