I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
You Might Also Like
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
#CoronaOutbreak
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
wife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun!
wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
VAMPIRE HUNTER: It’s so strange…why is this one coffin turned over on its side?
ME, from inside: I don’t like sleeping on my back.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;
At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time