I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
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When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
This hospital has everything
Psychiatrist: “Your check bounced and was returned for insufficient funds.”
Me: “So how does that make you feel?”
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
you ran a half marathon? that’s really cool, i’ve almost finished a bunch of things too
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
My son’s band, Wasting Groceries, is about to release their newest single “Rejected Banana”.
What’s the name of your kid’s band or hit single?
Shout out to the lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Be warned that if you buy your 5 year old a watch, you are going to get minute by minute updates on what the current time is
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Canadian owl: Eh?
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you