I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
You Might Also Like
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
‘I just need like two minutes!’
~me, lying
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
My son wasn’t listening so I said his attitude was super cringe and he looked up at me in horror and look at that he heard me.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
ME: The kids have ruined their shoes
WIFE: Again? [sighs] Just throw them out[Later]
ME: Stop crying kids, your mum says you have to leave
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Everyone younger than me is an idiot. Everyone older than me has lost their mind.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’