I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
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Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
There are many to choose from but my favorite quote from the Godfather is when he says “it’s-a me, The Godfather”
My wife and I decided not to have kids.
We plan on telling them tonight…
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
i shaved my chupacabra for this?
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
What base is it when he watches you slip off your bar stool with a mouthful of nachos?
I’m quite sure if Adam had offered Eve a donut, that whole Garden of Eden thing would’ve gone in an entirely different direction.
When a shoelace touches your ankle
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I’m not coming down from this tree until the mayor agrees to save this park from demolition or sends a really tall ladder up here, maybe places some mattresses around the base.
The first person to eat a fortune cookie probably ate the paper too, which is unfortunate
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
The 70’s called. They built a time phone.
The only Plato I care about is a big Plato spaghetti
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
I’m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn’t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.