Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.

Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?

Inevitably, you will meet someone who looks like a sturgeon. Now that you know, it won’t take you by surprise.

Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right

please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan

i don’t gossip at work i circle back for important new interpersonal developments regarding workplace associates

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

Don’t frighten the programmers!

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

[creating the armadillo]

GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very

Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people

Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete

“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”

“Get out of my hamper.”

I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!

*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.

What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven

Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character

Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.

Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs

*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*

He sampled.
He loved.
I bought.
He hates.

— an epic tale of love and hate featuring the Costco snacks I’ll now be eating for the next 45 days