I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
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If I was a chef I’d be chefboyaredont.
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Go gym
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
britney spears working at an ice cream shop called scoops i did it again.
PICASSO: She had one eye on her forehead, and her nose was on the side of her face
COP: Maybe someone else should describe the suspect
This is Sparta
To the lady who flipped me off when I honked at you, your phone probably isn’t on top of your car anymore!
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing infront of the rotisserie chicken at Costco
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Who remembers when Pixar had blooper reels in movies 🤣