Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄

To be continued…

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

me *swallowing pride*

baby lion: holy shit

I just saw this in a group on Facebook, so I have no idea where it’s from, but my god, does this infuriate me. You can’t use the same symbol for two different letters!!!!

Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”

Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

How we blocked people in the 90s 😄

*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.

[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?

My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME

GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.

Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?

me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…

netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already

ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard

HER: what mask

ME: oh

Me: I don’t think this is going to work

Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people

M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under

Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.

Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office

If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.

My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.

Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body

Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.