Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.

*Incorporates drinking with exercising by walking to the bar.

THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.

I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*

HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.

Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.

I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.

*except just then*

me: I’d like to represent myself

judge: ok

me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty

me: *removing mustache* wait what

Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube

What smells better than it tastes?

A nose.

What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”

Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”

So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

Sponch

Custom Auto Painting

Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?

Me: You sell spaghetti.

The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said