i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
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VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Dear dogs, thank you for sleeping at night.
Dear cats, what the hell is your problem?
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
My uncle works for a company that makes bicycle wheels.
He’s the Spokesman.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Dance like nobody’s watching.
Do the dishes like nobody’s watching.
Change into that robe like nobody’s watching. No, the other one.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Boss: OMFG man what happened to ur eye?
[cut to me riding a horse into the garage door during medieval role play]
“I ran into a door”
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage