Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me – Yes hit me Daddy

Boxing opponent – Dude stop please

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076

Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?

Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac

Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]

My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?

Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?

Expectant Parent:

Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.

Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.

[old couple feeding ducks in the park]

“Nothing could ruin this Edna”

*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

I always try to compliment people, even if it’s just, “Wow, I’ve never seen clothes worn like that before.” or “You have a dope overbite.”

Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.

Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.

I’m white, but not “I’m gonna check out the spooky sounds in the basement” white.

[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?

*walks into starbucks*

Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!

*has choice of any table*

I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.

Why do smurfs laugh when they run? Because the grass tickles their balls 😂

choose your fighter(holiday edition)

Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cards

HIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention