I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
As we head into 2025, remember that 1980 is 20 years ago. We all agreed on this.
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
You can be having the nicest day and then you have to print something and you know your day is about to fall apart real fast
i identify as a library so can u be quiet around me pls
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
The retirement age needs to be lowered to 50. I’ve had enough!
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Meatloaf is a good safe word.
It means I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that…
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate