I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
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Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
I like to stand next to a stranger on the elevator and whisper, “I read what you said on the internet.”
Friend: “Any reaction to the vaccine?”
Me: “Ow.”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
You ever stare at your face in the mirror for so long you don’t even recognize yourself anymore & then realize you haven’t been staring into a mirror at all but a piping hot broccoli casserole?
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?