Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: i’ll have the steak

waiter: this is a vegan restaurant

me: ok i’ll have the vegan

I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited

I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo

That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers

“Taco Bell isn’t even good” Yeah I know. Sometimes the raccoon inside of me craves garbage. Leave me & my Crunchwrap alone

“And this is my creepy husband, John.”

(The way my friend should introduce her husband)

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

“Hey look, a corn maze!”

– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze

Somewhere right now someone is dreaming about you. Except your hair is different.

I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.

Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.

60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.

Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.

~Confucius

I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.

Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?

My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere

Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?

I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”

Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.

Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.

M: What do you want for dinner?
H: I don’t care, you decide
M: Sushi?
H: No, but whatever.
M: Mexican?
H: Nah, but your call.

He’s dead now

When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…

“What would Jesus do?”

Then, I remember how things turned out for him…

And, flip a coin.

Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot