I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
MY CAT (checking her watch urgently): 3:30am? oh heavens I was almost late for parkouring loudly about the house
Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
me: I can’t wait for the elections to be over so I can remove these political signs
proctologist: how many are in here
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
What’s the point buying it then?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!