I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.
Has there ever been a more American story?
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
We decided to have money instead of children.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.