I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
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She argues in Italian
She sings to you in French
She yells at you in German
In tones that make you clench
The girl is complicated
And very hard to please
When you disappoint her
She
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
The walk of shame, but it’s just trying to walk after sitting crisscross applesauce for a few minutes.
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
Can’t, too busy deleting screenshots of my lock screen
The plumber came to fix the toilet & said, “Where is the water main?” so I turned on the tap & said, “Right here, main.”
“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
When will I learn that smoking as much as possible before I go to the airport won’t keep me high for my entire flight it’ll just make going through security Terrifying
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Olympic pairs curling but it’s just me and my Roomba working together to frantically clean the hardwood floors before the wife gets home.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park