Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”

Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?

Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok

Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?

A. It was a boo meringue

Not reading the replies to this

Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.

wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t

My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.

Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.

The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.

Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?

Me: I’m in morning

my retirement plan is braless

The Compass

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

I’d tell you to go to Hell, but i work there and don’t wanna see you everyday.

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.

subtitles are for when you’re eating chips

I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.

If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.

[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?

As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.

Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.

*narrows my eyes at you suspiciously*
*keeps narrowing them*
*closes them entirely*
[naps]

I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.

“Dad?”

“Yes, son?”

“Where do busboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”