I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Stop right there babe, you need permission to enter the pillow fort.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. I think this time he took the remote.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
I’ll be throwing shade, after a quick search of Urban Dictionary.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
Aliens: WHY SHOULD HUMANITY BE SPARED?
Me: whoa ok, you guys have chosen the wrong dude to argue this case
panic blowing on hot n ready pizza while running from heat seeking missile.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
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When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.