I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
If you respond, “A reason for living,” when a store employee asks if they can help you find something, they will leave you alone.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
🐱: “She’s injured, now is the time to strike!”
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
maybe if they didn’t want air bnb to fall they should’ve made it on the ground
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I’ll live under their bed and tickle their feet every time they come out of the covers at night.
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
Batman: I’m afraid of bats
Superman: I’m afraid of soup
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!