Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack

Unexpected Judgment

I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website

I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.

My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾‍♀️🙆🏾‍♀️

Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?

TSA agent: … what… is it.

Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!

TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.

Me: Don’t be so upset, this is FRIENDLY fire

Other soldiers: OMG PLEASE STOP

Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name

I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.

I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat

I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.

Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?

Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?

I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?

If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.

Actually, not all of the creatures from Jurassic Park were from the Jurassic period. Jeff Goldblum, for example. He’s from now.

Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost and I’ve decided to initiate legal action against Universal Music Group (UMG) and Spotify

A lady told me she was a widow and I accidentally said “congratulations.”

realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions

I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.

*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*

Me – Excuse me. How much is this?

Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.

Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.

*sets place on fire before paying*

If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.

Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.

Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?

Swallow: *Blushes*

My wife says “Don’t walk away when I’m talking to you” when 1. she’s not talking, she’s yelling, and 2. I’m not walking away, I’m retreating