I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

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I run a gambling ring where we throw humidifiers and dehumidifiers into a pit and let ’em fight that shit out.


Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.


Barista: How do you take your coffee?

Me: Orally.


Jesus only had 12 followers, also one sold him out to die and another unfollowed Him right before He died. So I guess I’m not doing too bad.


The cats told me the reason we only have one life is because we’re too stupid to handle nine lives. I believe this is true.


Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure


My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.


I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right


For every chick that’s crying about no good guys out there…there’s a dude she’s ignoring that’s good to her.