What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…
but not shoes.
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
Meth is short for Elizameth.
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY: That’s the ball
[gets down on one knee]
[gets down on two knees]
[gets down on third knee]