@JohnLyonTweets

I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.

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@imdaintyaf

What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.

@hermanntrude

The Flintstones had cars, record players, TV, radio, helicopters, lawn mowers…

but not shoes.

@iwearaonesie

“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”

– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said

@liv_thatsme

I never pay for pizza delivery. I always just say something weird like “I got this for us,” & before I know it, they’re speeding away.

@Storminika

Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”

@Bob_Janke

If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.

@ArfMeasures

[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok

@GoodZiIIa

[gets down on one knee]

her: omg

[gets down on two knees]

her: ok…

[gets down on third knee]

her: wtf