I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses
*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar
*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head
*waits to answer so he misses me*
(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Some days having kids makes it all worthwhile. I haven’t experienced any yet, but statistically they’re bound to happen at some point.
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*
Shoo shoo! 😂
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?