I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
flash mobs for serving divorce papers
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Another interesting #factupdates post!
director: ok, hit the lights
me: *slaps a lamp*
director: no i meant kill the lights
me: *pulls out a gun*
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
[superfriends lunch]
BATMAN: There’s an underwater nuclear threat
SUPERMAN: Aquaman, go!
AQUAMAN: [stares at watch] Gotta wait 30 minutes
If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If you like to fall asleep in bed but wake up on the floor, owning satin sheets might be for you.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.