A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.
HERE’S MARKY
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”