@DumbConfessions

I love Alfredo sauce.

Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.

You Might Also Like

@joe_binkley

Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@WhaJoTalkinBout

Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.

@murrman5

me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is

@ninatreemonkey

Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich

@Cpin42

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.

@VisionBored1

Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@RobSprance

If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.

@Malowbar

This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.