You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
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Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
If you love someone, let them sleep.
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
(First Day as Mailman)
ME: *wearing a suit made out of stapled together pieces of mail* Sup?
BOSS: You’re supposed to deliver those.
ME: No.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
Her: WHAT?!
Him: *stops walking around* I said, do you like my new shoe horns?
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
My friend asked if I pee a little when I sneeze like I’m some sort of multitasker.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.