I love Alfredo sauce.

Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.

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Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.


I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*


Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.


me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is


Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich


Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]

Me: It was just time for a change.


Can’t sleep? Try calling The Overthinkers Hotline!

For failed past relationships press 1

For why your dad left press 2

For why you’re failing as a parent press 3

For general insecurities about your body and appearance press 4


I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.


If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.


This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.