I love Alfredo sauce.

Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.

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Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.


I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”


Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want

“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”


I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they’ve obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.


Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.


*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good


I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.


“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.


[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy


No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.