@DumbConfessions

I love Alfredo sauce.

Unless you’re a dude named Alfredo.

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@JohnLyonTweets

Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.

Me: Well this is awkward.

@FlorkOfCows

I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.

“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”

@chaseisangry

Concept: The Purge but it’s 24 hours where retail workers are as rude as they want

“Do u have a bathroom?”
“No we shit outside like bears”

@JermHimselfish

I only star inspirational tweets from 15 year-old white girls, because they’ve obviously got the deepest insight into the human experience.

@ilovepie84

Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you’re going to get.

@bea_ker

*amateur magician does tablecloth-pulling trick, knocking everything over*
Cat in audience: Oh, this guy’s good

@MagsWoodward

I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.

@SteveSuckington

“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”

– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.

@david8hughes

[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy

@Carbosly

No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.