Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.

“Oh, no, you don’t have any scratch paper?”
“Yeah, looks like we ran out.”
“I’ve been using that paper to take notes. I go through a stack of it every day. How did you run out?”
“That’s a mystery we may never be able to solve.”

doctor: i have bad news

me: uh oh

doctor: u have scoobyditis

me: *whispers* ruh roh

listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time

Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.

Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?

HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX

I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?

My husband:

Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee

While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.

Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed

Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.

I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.

Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.

If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.

You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.

Summertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with water.

Wintertime: Fill up my hydration backpack with piping hot tomato soup.

Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-

Me: Drinks?

W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY

Me: Margarita?

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.

it’s soup season and this is my favorite soup

*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

When anyone in my family gets out a board game I just storm over and flip the table before the game even starts.
Why delay the inevitable?

socratic questions

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

I’ve been sitting here trying to build a punchline around this but you can’t improve on perfection