Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.

Husband: I’m sitting right here.

me: i lost my luggage.

airport worker: did you carry on?

me: *sigh* how can i?

*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.

HER: i’m leaving u

ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic

HER: yes

ME: cool see u tonight

met my new neighbor and we talked about how we both own cats and both like industrial music. she invited me to go dancing with her sometime and i jokingly said “and we can bring our cats!” and she gets deadly serious and goes “they won’t let them in. what with allergies and all”

My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles

Which is why the lights stay off!

This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-

Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.

My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.

Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

Girl: I will literally **kill** you

Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout

Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?

When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.

Martin Shkreli is in jail.

Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?

My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.

When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents

[watching Friends]

NIECE: I love this show

ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be

me: i wish i could go live in the woods

my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours

Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?

If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom then I am absolutely nailing it

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*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*

OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!

People who think all witches are women and all doctors are men must be really confused by witch doctors

There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: pass

Officer: have you been drinking?

Me: pass

Officer: You can’t just keep..

Me: pass