I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Facebook marketplace is a different world
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
IN JOB INTERVIEW
EMPLOYER: what do you think you’d bring to our company?
ME: i’m straight up goated. i’m efficiencymaxxing. i’m taskpilled. i’m in my fucking bag
EMPLOYER: ok i think we’ve heard enough
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
*lowers car suspension to look more gangster*
*takes 12 minutes to ride over a speedbump*
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
“OH MY GOD YOU’RE A DOG HEY SMELL ME I’M A DOG TOO” – dogs