I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
My 7 year old asked me why my brother’s family “only eats 3 meals a day” and that should tell you everything you need to know about my grocery bill.
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
[First person to ride a horse]
‘I’m going to sit on that thing and I don’t care how angry it gets.’
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
astonishing how whenever you go to the post office the queue in front of you is made up almost entirely of people who appear to have ended up at the post office by accident, have in fact never visited a post office before, and have no idea what they want out of the experience
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.