I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
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[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.
(before sex)
*sings national anthem
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Was putting away laundry and spotted this betrayal in my wife’s closet. Troubling times my friends, troubling times.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
Sticker placement is key.
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
😅🤣😂
Jumping outta trees onto unsuspecting joggers
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.