I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
You Might Also Like
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
Fact: In the 80s nobody could have sex until someone started playing a saxophone.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
I forgot the word for decaf so called it a despresso
If I’m napping in my car, don’t wake me up
unless I’m driving
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Sleep when the baby sleeps, eat when the baby eats, edit your manuscript when the baby edits their manuscript
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“It’s summer! Yay! No more school shootings!” – American children.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.