I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
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Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I located my husband. He binge watched season 3 of Cobra Kai in one evening then left home to start his own dojo. Please respect my privacy at this time.
[kitchen]
SON: [whimpering]
ME: Why is he crying?
WIFE: I told him there was no more chocolate cake.
ME: There’s no more chocolate cake?
WIFE: Nope.
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …
WIFE: Wait, are you crying?
ME: No.
I’m normally not a jealous person, but I wouldn’t mind switching places with the astronauts that were just launched out of Earth’s atmosphere.
Define “no more Twitter or I will leave you.”
I always keep my eyes closed if I get up in the night to use the bathroom because how else am I meant to stop the sleepiness from escaping?
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
i remember when i was like 19 i met sza and i told her ctrl got me through a break up and then she goes “aww babe that makes me so happy. how are you now?” and i go “back with him” and she said nothing and we just sat in silence.
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
Doctor (listening to my heart): You really should stop smoking
Me: I will one day
Doctor: No…like now. You can’t smoke in here
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”