Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there

[later]

nurse: it’s empty

me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet

My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.

them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz

I may be small, but so is a grenade.

When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?

Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.

Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.

Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.

Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED

I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.

Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.

“He looks just like his grandfather” is a cute thing said about a new baby in most parts of the world. In Alabama,it’s more of an accusation

I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.

Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”

“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,

Pee on it and walk away.”

I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids

DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft

interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily

me: yes

interviewer: yes what

me: yes please

Did you know that an apple can accidentally be flushed down the toilet in a perfect storm of events?

We do, now.

(Just kidding; it’s only half-flushed & is now stuck in the pipes & my god why are kids like this.)

Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza

The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our dachshund is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.

Here to help

It’s OK, batteries…no one includes me either.

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”

My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.

Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

14: How do you feel about people of color?

Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.

17: But you hate everyone.

14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.

Me: Please shut up.

It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC

Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.