I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
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My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
I was just outsmarted by a revolving door but sure, I’ll be your baby’s godmother.
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?
Thank you for your comment did you use some kind of random word generator?
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
“What do we want?”
“Autocorrect to stop making us look stupid by changing simple words in our texts.”
“When do we want it?”
“Not!”
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today
*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*
haha excellent
Just parrot things
I leave notes around the house to remind me of things I need to do, like “Pick up milk” or “Pay gas bill” or “Stop wasting your life away”
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*