I love arguing with you so much, I’ll bring a Ouija board to your funeral.
You Might Also Like
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Old people be giving dating advice like “fill out a resume and just walk right up and ask to speak to their manager”
sigh
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
babe, listen, I need you to bring me $15000 cash and my passport. I out-pizza’d the hut and they are after me
My 6yo just stepped on a spider and thought she killed it, but it got up and scurried away. Her response? “Oh. My. God. It’s Spider Jesus.”
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
STOP disrespecting my family
my mom is THOUGHTFUL AND STRONG
my dad is PRINCIPLED AND SINCERE
my brother is SELFLESS AND KIND
me
my grandmother is A SAINT
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Donald Duck can walk around Disney pantless and everyone loves him, but when I do it, it’s “indecent”?
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
I’d … I’d rather not.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.