I love art.
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Everything I know about love I learned from the venus fly trap.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
A poet once gave
a pigeon helium, and
invented high coo.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
My husband unloaded the dishwasher before I woke up this morning and that’s an awful lot of flirting for a Wednesday morning
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close