I love art.
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mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
I’m sorry I put a collar on your baby. I thought it was a Pug.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Ok I’ve been on tinder, bumble and hinge. Any dating apps for single people?
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Tweet about drinking too much = 50 quick likes
Facebook about drinking too much = A phone call from my mom
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
They must have gotten it to go.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
based al yankovic
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.