Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
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Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities
St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven
Me: Wow! An open bar!
St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink
Me: *slips him a fake ID*
St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music
i’m bored i think I’ll ask my husband if he’d stay single if i died suddenly and which one of my friends he thinks is hot