Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-[20 minutes later]
Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
With this onion ring, I thee fed
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
9 yo me: wow I love my public library yes I’d like to check out 14 novels that are above my reading level. Be back next week
Me now: wow I love my public library yes I would like to check out one—I believe it’s called a Bööke? I will be back in 3-5 business months
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted