Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince
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a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
Bald eagles fly at such high elevations to hide their baldness from other, meaner birds. Millennia of adaptive evolution at work.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock