@Zach_Wallen

I love baby boomers who say “kids don’t even know how to write cursive” in a negative way like ok grandma you can’t even turn your laptop on without getting 6 viruses and wiring half your retirement money to a Nigerian Prince

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@JohnFugelsang

Car in front of me at red light has a bumper sticker says ‘honk if you love Jesus.’ So I honk. Then he gives me the finger.

@onbrandbrandonn

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

@Jesssicle

Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.

@ficklenuts

Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”

My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”

@WilliamAder

The shoulder belt retractor suddenly locked up this morning and now everyone in my car pool knows my safe word.

@iliezabeth

ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA

@AndLookPretty

Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.

His answer was white. With a question mark.

@CMFC99

Eventually you’re going to achieve self awareness in a padded cell, staring at your palm, realizing twitter was just all your personalities

@OctopusCavemann

St. Peter: Welcome to Heaven

Me: Wow! An open bar!

St. Peter: You have to be dead 21 years to drink

Me: *slips him a fake ID*

St. Peter: Enjoy yourself Mr. Grunge Music

@YourMomsucksTho

i’m bored i think I’ll ask my husband if he’d stay single if i died suddenly and which one of my friends he thinks is hot