I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
The next time someone does one of those ‘write a 3 word horror story’ competitions, I’m going to enter this picture.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded