Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my new yoga pose is called the lounging hippopotamus

My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.

When a girl walks in with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face you get

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

I think I can now safely say that none of my co-workers were “personality hires”.

I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes

Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.

I’m at that point on a Monday where no.

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

🎉Made my last car payment 🎉

I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore

me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check

cop: that’s not how this works

Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.

Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.

Me: Seriously?

Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.

I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.

i think both sides are to blame here

Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.

Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.

To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.

Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

[in hell]
Me: *sneeze*
The devil: bless you
Me, waving as I float to heaven: haha, fool
the devil: DAMN YOU
Me, floating back to hell: dang

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.