I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

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Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”


[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.


We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls


as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound


We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.


My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.


The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.


[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”


Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?


[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right