I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
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Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons
besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Yup.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Me: We need to rewatch the movie we had on last night because I fell asleep.
Family: Puts on last night’s movie.
Me: Falls asleep.
A choir of Spring onions
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
$4 #usedbooks
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]