@betulesairafi

I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

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@Rollinintheseat

[Restaurant]

Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”

Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”

@stevevsninjas

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

@anerdonfire2

We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls

@prozdkp

as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound

@PFTompkins

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

@HatfieldAnne

My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.

@TomSchally

The best thing about money is that if you give it to the right person they’ll hand you donuts.

@KeetPotato

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

@CornOnTheGoblin

[spooky noise comes from my closet]
monster under my bed: you heard that too right