I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.

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ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*


Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.


To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.


Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?


I’m gonna insert “comedian” in my bio and have my picture taken on a stage with a microphone in my hand so no one will follow me back.


Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.


For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.


Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.

3: I’m adding another option!

Me: *

*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.



Absolutely no one:

No one on the face of the planet:

Every business I’ve ever traded with since 1981: Let me tell you what we’re doing and/or not doing about Covid-19