Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.

Me: Damn you hate our house that much?

Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person

Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?

Hubs: Yes!!

Pro: he does community service

Con: it’s court-mandated

When I was a kid, I literally thought “This little pig went to market” meant it went shopping.

Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.

the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes

hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected

you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired

Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.

You might just have to resign…

I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…

judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System

PLUTO: I’m back, baby!

NASA: because we found a new one!

PLUTO: SON OF A

#parenting

uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage

colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan

You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*

*alarm goes off* me: how much do I really NEED this job?

Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.

Dads, when there’s 38 things to do before everyone is ready to leave: I’m going to go wait in the car.

Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.

Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.

Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.

Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing

Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what