Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!

I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.

Walked by a coworkers computer and he was just looking at a picture of a hotdog

What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

4: Mummy, I know how old you are.

Me: OK.

4: Has it got an 8 in it?

Me: Yes! Well done.

4: Is it 8 and then 0?

Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.

boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer

Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”

Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.

Him: You got Tik Tok?

Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?

Him: …

Me: *rattles can in front of him*

My mom making me come say hi to somebody I “knew” as a baby

Impervious: being an admitted pervert

can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.

Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?

Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”

[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.

ME: *puts my hair in a bun*

WAITER: gross

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*

Him:*middle finger*

Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED

Have kids, they said

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.

I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.

[camping]

“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”

-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.