Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe

Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent

Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.

If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.

every city is a walkable city if you’ve got big strong beefy legs and an indomitable human spirit like me. also broke and car-less

Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?

Dating Profile

Sex: Probably

Favorite Food: Yes

Favorite Movie: Star Wars

Favorite Book: LOLZ

Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)

Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?

-me, as a therapist

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

wife: what’d you do today

me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese

There are eleven types of people in the world: those that understand Roman numerals, and those that don’t

EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.

[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]

MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*

Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for

7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days

only 11 steps left

me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!

coworker: no problem!

[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.

brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died

When a pair of scissors hear you’re looking for them

You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.

I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customers

holy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom