I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
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#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
thin ice you say? *starts riverdancing*
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
5pm me: coffee doesn’t even affect me
4am me: I wonder if I can watch all the YouTube
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
I now feel I’ve watched enough reruns of The Shawshank Redemption on basic cable that I’ll be able to successfully make it in prison.
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Me: How did the interrogation go?
Detective: The perp folded like a cheap suit.
Me, has no idea what that means: That’s great. All my suits at home are rigid by the way. Rock hard.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃