I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
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[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If I ignore life will it go away?
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
A thousand curses upon anyone who has ever gone, “Why are you sitting in the dark?” and then flipped the light on without asking.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
Trying to figure out if this girl from high school and her husband got divorced. I’m incredibly busy
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
Thoroughly enjoyed my walk along a nudist beach this morning.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.