I love being an adult and sitting absolutely still and suddenly I’ve hurt my neck somehow
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middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
*jurassic park meeting
CEO: We’ve suffered minor setbacks with grisly deaths; the destruction of the entire island; and billion dollar lawsuits. So I want some outside the box thinking on how to go forward.
Suit: We could build another park…
*long silence
CEO: Genius.
There is a mosquito that has been trailing me for two days. I’ve swatted and clapped but it has proven to be the stronger of us both. It’s time to give in to my place on the food chain
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
[Interview]
“Why’d you leave ur last job?”
My boss felt threatened by me
[Flashback to juggling lighters after dousing boss in gasoline]
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Howl 😭
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Before you criticize someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you do criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes. End of tweet
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.