i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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📽️movie date🎞️
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
Boss: you’re late
Me: I know, and I’ve decided to keep it. See you in court
Boss: I hate you
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I fucking love letting emergency vehicles past on blue lights. I try to make it as easy as possible for them, to the point that I hope they drive past and think ‘wow, he’s done a great job of getting out the way’
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
[girlfriend in a coma]
*leans in close to whisper* babe, if you can hear me…where the hell did you buy that zesty mayo?
[consoling a friend after a failure] It’s okay, you can’t get it right every time. I mean, maybe some people can, but definitely not you.
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.