i love being in STEM (shenanigans, tomfoolery, escapades, and mischief)
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“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
Me to my boss: Hey I have to wfh today, I couldn’t answer the riddles three. Yep, they didn’t let me across the bridge. I’ll see you on Teams though.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Bro sacrificed his freedom just for that joke
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
I have began to yell ”NOT FRIENDLY!” when people try to approach me.
I learned that from dog people.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
At dinner my husband hollered, “I’m going to run off to a place where I’m appreciated!”
My daughter: Don’t take my Barbie backpack.
My son: Can someone pass the butter?
My mother: You married her.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
[to a straight couple]
Which one is the lesbian and which one is the other lesbian