I love being outside, just not when it’s too cold or too hot or too wet or too windy or if there are bugs
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This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I have questions??
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
Sorry I spilled fruit punch all over the white carpet at your baby shower, I was helping you practice.
*Poops in my pants*
Get used to it.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Sam Neill and Jeff Goldblum are perfect
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Me: wow
Wife: *lording over the many amazon boxes* it is a bountiful harvest