Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.

i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.

Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing

Anyone who tells you to get kids to help more around the house has never asked kids to help more around the house.

[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME

If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.

[first day in a hair band]

Singer: you’re bald

Me: yes, I lied on my resume

my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile

“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila

Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”

running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.

ex: i wish you well

me: i hope you fall into one

Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.

Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)

Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.

Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America

Me: me too kid, me too

I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.

Maybe Bowser is mad at Mario because he’s terrible at plumbing, flooded with castle with lava, and left exposed unfinished pipes everywhere…

Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?

Just me? 😬

Overheard:

The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.

People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”

People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.

I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.

My boss: So… [dramatic pause]

Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?

When I die, I want my remains to be scattered at COSTCO. Also, I don’t want to be cremated

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese