– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
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My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
Alexa, give me the winning lottery numbers for tonight
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Me: Hey, look, I can’t stay long, I’ve got a cab downstairs.
Her: You took a cab?
Me: I’m gonna give it back!
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
i got pulled over & my vape was in my cup holder & the cop was like “u know the news saying those things are killing people”
i laughed a lil bit & said “they say the same thing about yall lol”
he ain’t laugh
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.