Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All generalizations are stupid.

My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.

A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?

Her: I bet you forgot it.

Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]

Her: ?

Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?

Her: NO

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.

My ex bf used to call me queen of the worms when I was being lazy and he meant that I was an enormous worm that wouldn’t get out of bed but I always heard it as like, I am an earthen goddess one with the soil, worms for hair, command of all wormkind

My daughter’s birthday wishlist this year can only be deciphered by a much, much richer man.

Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.

Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…

MoviePass 6 months ago: See as many movies as you want! Go crazy! Watch 3 at once!

MoviePass now: you can watch half a movie once every lunar year. You have to clean the theater afterward. If you don’t get the ticket stub tattooed on your face we’ll send the FBI to your house.

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there

You’re not USELESS…

I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat

professor x: what’s your power?

jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters

gay professor x : interesting

From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”

came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!

Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks

Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house

A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag

Him: sir this is a food bank

Me: put all the broccoli in the bag

bill nye is short for william new year’s eve

Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.

I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…

waiting for me in the fridge at home.

14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.