Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news

*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact

BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

🤣😂🤣😂🤣

“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh

What was your favorite part of school today?

1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!

2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!

Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay

‘Welcome home. I barfed over there.’

~cats

He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.

If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

Him: How ’bout this rain?

Me: It makes my asshole itchy.

And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.

I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.

A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.

Oh so when Van Helsing kills a vampire he’s a hero, but when I do it I’m “ruining Halloween”

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.

Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier

Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier

[On a date]

Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth

Him: that’s so sweet

Me: no I mean right now

Me: *in the dentist chair*

Dentist: OK so whilst you have several instruments and half my belly in your mouth, I’m going to take the opportunity at this exact moment to ask about your holidays and I do expect a response.

This is setting unrealistic beauty standards for men. We can’t all kill someone

[my first day at the spa]

*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*

Sex therapist: Try swapping positions tonight
Me: ok

[Later]
Her: Wanna have sex?
Me: No thanks