I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
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me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
Went to the hospital to wish a pregnant lady giving birth a Happy Labor Day and she ripped my throat out 🙁
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
Me: You have to do your homework.
My kid: OOOHHH! So you’re saying that if I fell into the ocean and a SHARK bit off my LEGS and my BLOOD was shooting EVERYWHERE so I DIED you would STILL make me do my STUPID homework while I was DEAD?
Me: Obviously yes.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
[Kid Training Headquarters]
Kid Boss: When you get home, you must take off your shoes and throw them as far away from each other as possible
Kid Trainee: But shouldn’t we keep them togeth—
Kid Boss: SILENCE, FOOL! YOUR GOAL IS FOR THEM TO END UP IN SEPARATE ROOMS
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
I’m 38 and still have no idea what to do with my hands while I’m being arrested.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”