I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
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BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Good morning.
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
New cyclist: I have a new $3k bike, what else do I need
Bike shop: [pulling out the stupidest looking outfit they can find] this
17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.