Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

I buy seedless grapes because let’s leave the grape growing to the vineyards.

I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out

Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.

[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

Genie: You have 3 wishes.

Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.

Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.

Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.

Genie: You sonofa-

I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.

Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.

Boss: What the hell are you talking about?

Me: I’m an anti-faxer.

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?

Me: Um, can you be more specific?

Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments

Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-

Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call

8YR OLD: dad, can we get pizza for dinner tonight?

ME: aw sweetie, I’m sorry…I had pizza for lunch

8: you think I give a damn what you had for lunch?

As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!

*Starts doing laundry*

A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”

“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”

me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it

me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it

I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.

If this can be a salad, you can be anything.

If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”

I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.

“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”

-me, drunk, watching the pool vac

TARGET GUY: anything I can help you find?
ME: I’m looking for *eyes turn black* BLOOD OF THE INNOCENT
TARGET GUY: *eyes turn black* AISLE 5

I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes