I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
Don’t you hate it when you’re SO tired because it’s been SUCH a long week and then you look at the calendar and see that it is, in fact, only Monday?
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
somewhere, in an alternate universe
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
🙁
Student email: “hello…”
Student extension request email: “your grace…”
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I saw my son go quietly into his bedroom with a broom and dustpan. It’s taken me awhile to learn this, but I now know that there are some questions best left unasked.
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no