Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again

**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]

The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.

Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.

things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party

Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.

Them: I’ll be right back

Me: That’s not necessary

I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher

BOSS:You were supposed to get an inconspicuous heist car!
ME:No one’ll suspect the google car
B:It’s literally documenting everything we do

me: i can’t remember my password

my brain: how about an embarrassing memory

Me at 22: you can find me in da club 🎶

Me at 42: you can find me in da tub 🛁

This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad

It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold

My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.

Anyone want a chair?

You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.

Me: Who ate all the cookies?

5-year-old: Ninjas.

Me: I didn’t see them.

5-year-old: No one ever does.

Checkmate.

ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires

I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.

Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce

*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*

Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.

Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.