I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
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Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Merry Christmas
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
Wife:
4 firefighters show up
Firefighter 1: next time, just spray the snake with water. they hate that, they’ll leave you alone — real simple
Wife: If it was so simple, why did you bring 4 guys?
Check mate
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.
My favorite things about Twitter are that everything you read is true, everyone is nice, and all intentions are pure of heart
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
If you’re trying to impress me with your vehicle it better be a food truck.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*