Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?

Me either. That’d be gross.

My son can not believe he graduated from kindergarten & he still gotta go back to school😂😂😂he thought that shit was over

I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”

Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.

Narrator: He he not gotten very far.

If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.

Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”

I let my baby girl know she can do anything.

Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.

BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.

My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.

My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up

Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts

Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts

…you’re right, I do feel better now.

Geez man, take it easy.

My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire

Ah. I see you moved your horsey piece to that other square. Intriguing gambit.

Friend: What’s your favourite season?

Me: Of which show?

Friend: 😐

Me: 😶

Friend: 😕

Me: 😐

Me: 👀💭

Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.

I woke up today with what appears to be a spider bite. I better get super powers or I’m going to be pissed.

judge: how do you plead

me: *burps* excuse me

judge: you are excused

me: [running away] gottem lol

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin

Me: Knock knock.

Psychic: Ha! Good one.

mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day

It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.

Sir, this is a crime scene.

My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.

But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.

The first one, obviously

Kids: *misbehaving in public*

Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.

According to HR, I have “a tendency to rub some people the wrong way”, which is disappointing, cuz I was aiming for ALL of ‘em.