Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

me: hi i’m on the list

security: there is no list this is kohl’s

me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man

Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:

-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane

I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.

My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.

My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.

Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.

When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.

Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.

Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.

I just want a woman with the face of Katy Perry and the feet of Fred Flintstone.

If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.

My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.

There’s no bigger backstabber than my dog giving me away during hide and seek.

I TRUSTED YOU, FENTON, I TRUSTED YOU!

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?

A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant

M: Oh you naughty minx!

Door goes
Him: hello love is your mam or dad home?
Me: eh?
Them: I’m just going round the doors talking to people about the local election
Me: …
Him: are they in?
Me: nah sorry they’re not
*as I close the door* cos I’m 35 and they don’t live here

[naming god’s creations]

mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth

insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend

angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant

insect 7: yay!

angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater

mammal 93: ya- wait wut?

Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”

Me: “Oh, no thank you.”

Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”

” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”

I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.

Elevators frighten me. I take steps to avoid them.

[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]

“It’s negative”

Lemme see it

[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’

Wow that’s really negative

I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once

It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”