I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
You Might Also Like
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
THIS IS THE COPS, COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP
“No”
WE WON’T ASK AGAIN
“No”
Ok guys, let’s go. We can’t ask again
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
Cop: we have you surrounded! Get down on the ground now!
Cardboard Man: sigh not again
*cops start breakdancing*
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive