Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.

We need it on priority

Having a job is cool But everyday ???? Come tf on

Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well said

FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?

Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”

Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.

Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you

When one door closes another one opens. I should really get this cabinet fixed.

Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.

Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?

She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”

Google: “No. That’s stupid.”

I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.

[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]

If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

353 days a year folks are like “Does anyone still use libraries?”
On national holidays they’re all “WE NEED TO USE THE LIBRARY RIGHT NOW RIGHT NOW”

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality

Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.

some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you

My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all