I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
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I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
Flex on your kids by asking “are we there yet?” before they do
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
[spotify ai voice] ayo it’s ya dj, x. comin up, i’m gonna play you some music that sucks
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
My Dad used to sing the “1 Potato, 2 Potato, 3 Potato, 4” song with me, then at dinner I’d cry and throw a tantrum because I thought the song meant we were having mashed potatoes that night. Finally Dad said if I couldn’t behave, maybe I shouldn’t come home on college breaks.
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.